I recently rewatched JAWS for no other reason than it’s a great movie to watch in the summer if you’re not planning on going swimming in the ocean. Imagine my surprise when I proceeded to watch Jordan Peele’s NOPE and noticed the former’s DNA all over it. The first part of JAWS is the slow realization of the threat. Shark attacks keep happening and the only person who seems to care is Chief Brody. The mayor cares, but only insofar as it doesn’t affect the tourism money that pours into the island every summer. The central conflict in the first two acts is thus setup as a battle between the dismissal of the shark as a threat which represents a primal force and Brody’s attempts to convince the town officials that the shark needs to be reckoned with. As the officials continuously downplay the shark and hamper Brody’s ability to neutralize it the body count keeps growing, as well as the boldness of the attacks. Spielberg aims to show us that we continuously take for granted our roles as alpha predators in the food chain, when humanity grows complacent nature comes to knock at our door.

In NOPE (spoilers), the film follows a similar pattern with the key difference that the monster is summoned not due to complacency and greed but to humanity’s need for spectacle. Ricky Park cannot help but be enchanted by the danger of the monster, his past is inextricably linked with close encounters of the dangerous kind. As a child he watched a chimpanzee brutally beat his co stars within an inch of their lives then seemingly faced the monkey himself only to come out unscathed. He at once grows a false confidence and a need to recreate that traumatic event over and over in his life. It ends in tragedy of course as a central theme of the film is that you can’t tame nature. Once he entices the beast, and makes eye contact its predator nature fully unfurls.

In both films there is an undercurrent of unappreciation for nature and its untamable forces. So what does this long winded preamble have to do with my bike ride? I too have taken for granted the sheer size and viciousness of the course I signed up for. I looked back at my Strava post for 2021 Tour De Big Bear and I called it one of the hardest rides I’ve ever done if not the hardest. In the subsequent year I’ve done harder rides, and perhaps this gave me a false sense that I could tackle the 100 mile course this year. Don’t get me wrong I set my sights on it almost immediately, and set up what I thought was a decent training plan to get me there. Yet at over 8000 feet of climbing over 100 miles, at an altitude of 6000 – 8000 feet it is a formidable monster.

I knew in the weeks leading up to the ride that I wasn’t ready, my speed and performance on some of the most recent rides I did was just not enough to meet the 10 hour cutoff time at TDBB. Perhaps for this reason I started to tell my friends who were also going that I was not going to make it, and to please not wait for me or anything like that. I was sowing the seeds doubt early on. This was, correctly, assumed to be pessimism on my part. Yet I knew in my heart it was the truth. I had taken for granted the rigor and discipline training for this ride required. I found it very hard to stick to my interval workouts, especially after the disappointing results of my second FTP test. It was demoralizing to be doing these interval rides that were not enjoyable for me and seeing no payoff. So my training after became limp and half hearted. Throw in a couple vacations, small injuries, hot summer days and the writing was on the wall.

Philosophically speaking, setting the expectation that I was not going to finish was an effort to reduce the vulnerability I faced by failing. For me optimistically tackling a challenge and not succeeding is magnitudes of order more emotionally damaging than meeting my goal of failing. Yet the question remains whether I sabotaged myself by resetting my desired outcome lower. The flip side to that is that surpassing one’s goals also is a reward in its own right. A sliver of me held on to the hope that I would somehow disprove myself and complete the course, even if took me all 10 hours to do it.

I started off on the wrong foot already by giving my legs perhaps too much of a workout the day before the ride in what was supposed to be a low effort warmup spin around the lake I was trying to play catchup with my powerhouse cycling friends. I went to sleep with very tired legs and I doubt I had fully recovered in the 5 hours it took for me to wake up and get ready for the big ride. However I still started off feeling great, there’s always adrenaline coursing through you when these big events happen, plus being able to start with my friends sets a good mood. I think my ride to first aid station was pretty good, I wasn’t breaking any records or anything but I was on pace to finish if I kept it up. My friends of course dropped me within the first 5 miles but it was as expected. I saw them once more as they were ascending the second climb of the day from the first aid station and I was descending towards it, a pattern which would repeat itself 5 hours later. I made the same mistake as last year and had to pee so badly at the bottom of that hill that I waited in line with the rest of the cyclists who were trying to use the portable toilet, time wasted. On my way back up the hill and through the north side of the lake I was starting to feel the familiar signs of exhaustion: cramping legs, sore back, sore saddle. Yet these hit me a lot earlier than I am used to, no doubt the altitude was having its effect on me, my heart rate is of course elevated as there’s less oxygen to go around up there. After a couple salt tablets the feeling of cramps subsided and I stopped in for three pieces of bacon at the second rest stop because I couldn’t just ignore such a delicious treat.

On my way to the third rest stop I knew that my faculties were significantly diminished, it was a relatively flat part of the course yet I was finding myself struggling to pedal and to stay abreast of pains accumulating in my body. At the third rest stop I indulged in TDBB’s famous rib stop and had a chat with Mike Manson who like me, valued just finishing a course over finishing it as fast as possible. I left asap as I didn’t want to spend too much time at the rest stops, still holding out hope that I might finish. Following this was the first big climb of the day, a 7 mile spin up to the top of Onyx peak. My goal here was to surpass last year’s effort since this was the last part of the 70 mile course. The good news is I did PR that climb but not by much, though on the whole I felt much better than last year where I remember struggling to make it even a mile, maybe it’s all a mental game in the end. Once I crested Onyx I stopped at aid station 4 where they advised me that if I took on the rest of the course at that time I might not make it. I definitely considered turning back and completing the 70 mile course instead. It didn’t help that I had to take an unscheduled break to deal with some uncomfortable stomach issues which I blamed on the incredible amounts of fiber Daniel had made us eat the night previous.

As I was deciding what to do I saw Mike again, who told me immediately that he was going to continue the course. I rallied with him and decided the course officials would have to come get me if worse came to worse. We began the descent to Jenks lake which was almost 9 miles. Partially through this descent is where I would spot my friends for the last time. Daniel in particular looked like he was suffering up the climb, a stark contrast to cool and consistent climbing he was doing earlier in the morning. The descent was electrifying as we reached speeds of 35 miles per hour down the mountainside. Yet my elation slowly blossomed into a dread as the road just kept going down and down. I realized painfully that the bill would come due as I had to make my way back up this mountain if I was to complete the course, which would be the hardest part of the whole thing. Here is where I think my spirit finally broke, I made eye contact with the beast and the monster revealed itself to me. I slowly began to accept and rationalize my demise. At the bottom of the descent there was yet more climbing to do around Jenks lake before I even got back to ascending up to Onyx peak. At the Jenks lake aid station me and Mike assumed we were the last people on the course, actually there were 3 cyclists behind us at that time to my estimation, but still not exactly on the right side of that bell curve.

I let Mike drop me here as I was suffering pretty badly. My need to stop kept growing more and more frequent as I was having trouble putting in a consistent effort up the side of the lake. Eventually I was passed by another rider and then a second who informed that I was not the last person on the course there was one yet behind me. I struggled my way all the way back to the bottom of that 8 mile climb and I took a rest on the side of the road. It was the last real challenge ahead of me before the finish line. It was here that the last rider on the course caught up to me. It was a sight you hate to see, a cyclist walking next to his bicycle defeated by the course. We exchanged “are you okay?”s and he told me his legs were destroyed as this was only his 4th month of cycling ever. I congratulated him on his ridiculous gumption as he slowly passed me on the side of the road where I sat eating my banana. There it was, at long last I was the last person on the 100 mile course.

By this point three SAG(support and gear) vehicles had approached me asking if I needed a lift out of here as they warned me that the remaining two aid stations head of me would be closing soon and might not be there by they time I rolled by. I turned them down saying I still had plenty of supplies and they moved on but not without recording my bib number in order to keep track of me. I watched as the cyclist walking his bicycle up the hill got into a SAG and took a ride back to the finish line. As I made my way back up the side of Onyx I was struggling, and was pretty sure I’d miss the remaining aid stations. My mind was made up to finish past the course cutoff at this point. The SAGs had other ideas though.

Two of them pulled up beside me and I was going so slow at this point that they were able to get off their cars and walk beside me as they tried to convince me to take a ride back since everything ahead of me was closing down and I would be unsupported with food or water in the heat and they further confirmed what I suspected, that I was in dead last. I told them no but eventually my exhaustion and their promises of being without water reminded me of my terrible experience trying to climb crystal lake three weeks previous. I eventually told them that I would go only if I could get dropped off at the top of onyx, skipping only about 6 miles of climbing and 1800 feet of elevation, they agreed and I took the ride.

Driving up the side of onyx in an air conditioned cabin I felt like an absolute fucking scab. I had broken the sacred pact between the cyclist and the road: That it didn’t matter how long it took as long as you finished. Passing all the cyclists still struggling their way up the mountain felt like I had betrayed them especially as they each also refused to take the ride. Eventually I passed Mike who was making much better time than I was. I was reminded of the shark cage fugue from JAWS, traveling in my own cage of sorts up the beast that I could not conquer, and like Matt Hooper I too was out of spit.

I was joined by two Japanese women who were also taking the ride to the top of onyx as they had underestimated the difficulty of the route, they were only skipping about three miles however. Once we got off at the peak they happily hurried back down the descent to the other side where the finish line awaited. I paused for a couple minutes just trying to wrestle with my perceived failure. True I skipped most of the hardest part of the course, yet the entire thing was a challenge to me. I had done much more than last year and in my mind I could have finished the 100 miles given enough time and water. Of course that’s true of any ride even if you crawl along at 4mph and stop a lot eventually you’ll be done. I decided to shake off the emotions for now deciding that taking the ride was smart from a well being point of view as I didn’t want to bonk and get stuck on the mountain without an exit strategy.

I proceeded to descend down the side of Onyx that I climbed 4 hours earlier, the usual elation of barreling down a mountain hampered by the feeling that I hadn’t “earned” it. There was about 16 miles of course left which is the second Strava route posted above. Half of it was easy and the second half involved about 700 feet of climbing back to the finish which was not the quick and painless effort I was hoping for yet much better than an 8 mile struggle of a mountain. As I was nearing the finish line Mike caught up to me. I thought he had blown me out of the water making it so far after I had taken the SAG ride, yet he informed that he too got taken by the SAG to the top of Onyx. I guess they were sweeping the course of stragglers. I felt better about my effort and Daniel and Will were waiting for us around the corner to the finish line to cheer us on which I greatly appreciated since they had been done almost 4 hours previous. At 9 hours and 30 minutes I finished a total of about 93 miles and 6300 feet of climbing which was still a climbing PR for me. I took it as a victory and yet I couldn’t help but wonder how much more I could have done in the extra 30 minutes before the cutoff. Will I be doomed to repeat my mistakes next year? Or will I saddle up like the holy trinity of Hooper, Brody, and Quint and blow Big Bear out of the water with extreme prejudice? Or Will I even attempt it again? It remains to be seen.